For years, I too wore frets out quite quickly. I learned how to refret my guitars because I couldn't afford to have it done every 6 months.
( I switched to using .008s for a while, while doing the below, because it required much less pressure. I also lowered the action on my guitar, to relieve the amount of pressure needed to clearly ring the note out. When lowering the action, strum some chords rather vigorously, to make sure that you haven't lowered the action too far causing the strings to "buzz" on other frets. Don't try to "kill" the strings when doing this because if you strum TOO HARD, the strings will always buzz out.)
I solved the problem by doing pretty much as listed above, playing without fretting totally, then applying more pressure until the notes were clear, but not trying to strangle the neck into sawdust. I played simple scale runs with a metronome, with just enough pressure to ring the note out clearly. As time and my ability advanced, I sped the metronome up, and improved my speed. I was playing with a lighter touch, and more accurately at the same time. I spent 2 - 4 hours per night, at least 5 nights a week doing this, and I had the guitar in my hands for at least 2 hours per night, 7 nights a week. I did not focus on the metronome, and touch pressure every night, I tested myself without thinking about it a couple of nights per week. I also recorded and played back to listen for bad picking, bad fretting and bad timing at least once per night, every night.
Within about 3 months, I had completely transformed my style - picking, timing, and fretting, all at the same time. It does take a lot of commitment at first, but the payoff is well worth it!
The key to fast, well defined playing is to play totally relaxed. If your fighting with pressure, you cannot relax. Smoothness is the key issue here.